“Everyone you meet always asks if you have a career, are married, or own a house, as if life was some kind of grocery list. But no one ever asks if you are happy.”

This insightful quote has been attributed to late actor Heath Ledger, who tragically passed away at the early age of only 28 in 2008. The cause of death was intoxication by prescribed meds that caused a cardiac arrest. Despite that, many people say that his mental state was already in a bad place prior to the substance abuse issues. The aforementioned quote goes perfectly with what happened to Heath and so many other stars that struggled with mental issues like Robin Williams, Marilyn Monroe and Gisele Bündchen.

Virtually perfect people, they have everything: talent, money, accomplishments and an audience that adores them and avidly consumes all their work. So, you may wonder, what happens that even those people deal with dark thoughts, depression, addiction and suicide? If those people that have it all go through so much, what is there left for the likes of us, the common folk?

Going back to Ledger’s quote, what it seems endemic in our society is the culture of having instead of being. People will value the amount of this or that you possess in order to measure how happy you are. The logics: if you have so much, you must be happy. New house, big car, pricey vacations and endless closets and nights out. We go through life measuring others and ourselves by the capacity of gathering possessions.

Ask yourself, how many times you were actually asked if you are happy. How many times you asked someone the same question? Of course, this question must come from close friends, partners and family. No one wants to strike a conversation with a stranger or an acquaintance and blast something so personal. If someone that I barely know would ask me that question I would simply say that, at least during this uncomfortable interaction, I feel unhappy and I would hope the humorous remark would get me out of such weird situation.

People need to understand that, indeed, your value in life cannot be measured entirely to the things you have in a grocery list sort of fashion. Sometimes you can have everything and still feel like you have nothing.

So, what can you do to change that? Start with yourself. Forgive yourself and be more easy going. Take one day at a time and try to have moments of joy in small things like reading a book, talking to a good friend that you haven’t seen a while, a long walk with your dog or curl up to watch a movie with your cat. Take your SO to a bike ride or for a good cup of coffee. Happiness does not need to come from a list, where society pressures you in a sense of “if everyone is doing it, why can’t you do it too?”.

Of course, the having part is not all bad, everyone needs things to survive and money is the means to this end. I learned that, I have done that. The key is, there should be some balance: having is important, but being is the most important. Not all successful people are happy and not all the people with less items crossed on their list are miserable. Let yourself be free to just live.